If you have nothing truthful to say, say nothing at all.
A Woman Naïve Enough to Believe You
I’ve always been taught that you should never say anything you don’t mean because your words have an effect on others, no matter what you think. A couple days after the “don’t hate me” text message I did something I shouldn’t have fucking done. I sat at my desk and re-read our entire text conversation from start to finish to see if I was hallucinating his feelings towards me. Apparently I'm a masochist?! But nope, I didn’t. I almost wish I had, so then it would give me a reason to get over this. I highly doubt I hallucinated all the perfectly sweet things he was saying. What I didn't realize at the time is that he could have just been saying them without meaning it.
I’m one of those people that ever rarely says anything I don’t mean because I understand that words have weight behind them. So unfortunately, I expect others to follow suit. This is why I’ve only said "I love you" to one man. I understand that those three words have a world of weight behind them. They are powerful words. They’re not words that should be blurted out over a mutual love for salt and vinegar chips or a disdain for Joseph Gordon Levitt. (This happened IRL with him) Words are extremely powerful and in the end his words hurt more than I could've imagined.
I feel like I was conned and lied too. What's funny is we had a running joke about "the long con." How he was dating me to murder me, ha. If you know me I'm really intrigued by murder and crime shows. On our first date I told him one of my fears about dating apps was that I could end up murdered. In the end I'm still here, still alive but definitely conned. I’m the naïve woman who believed him and what he was saying. It’s extremely hard for me to sit here and not feel like a stupid idiot, but I have to snap myself out of it. I have to remind myself, I was completely honest and truthful the entire time. I was me. I was not pretending. I did nothing wrong.
After spending four days feeling sorry for myself, eating my weight in pie and ice cream, I have to say I’m proud of myself. Don’t get me wrong, my feelings are still fucking hurt and I still feel like a damn fool. But I’m extremely proud of myself for taking a risk. My friends are amazing enough to remind me of that as well. I’m a VERY guarded person but with him, I let all my guards down. I went into this experience open and honest, excited for what would come from it. But let me tell you, what happened was the exact opposite. I never imagined he would break things off, let alone in a text message. I feel like that was a new low I experienced as an adult. If he was feeling a certain way, I would have thought he would have enough respect and courtesy for me to communicate that to me in person.
For any parents reading this, teach your sons (and daughters) that if they are in a similar situation to mine to have enough respect to break things off in person, face-to-face. Also, they shouldn’t be adding a “don’t hate me” at the end. The person on the receiving end is entitled to how they feel in that moment and days to come. If they hate the person after all is said and done, they are allowed to. I don’t harbor any hatred or resentment towards him. I’m hurt and disappointed by him but I’m more mad and upset with myself. I’m mad and upset for not realizing sooner that he could have been saying these perfect things without believing them. To him they could have been empty words he was throwing out loosely to get me to fall for him. Not only did I fall, but I feel like I crashed and burned.
He fooled me. He conned me. He lied to me. But hey, now I know for next time. As much as I could say I wish I had never met him, that would be a lie. I had a couple conversations with my friend Matt about this and he reminded me that no matter how hurt I was and wishing I hadn’t met him, would I trade in those feelings for never experiencing the good I did with him? I had to think about it... but in the end, no I wouldn’t. You take the good with the bad. The time I spent with him was wonderful, we went from zero to sixty fairly quickly and I was genuinely happier than I've ever been. I learned a lot about myself and found out how open and honest I could be about my feelings. It’s unfortunate it ended in the manner it did, but I’ll be okay. Moving forward this is something I’m just gonna have to make clear to the next person I choose to take a risk on. “If you have nothing truthful to say, say nothing at all," because your words are weighted and I (unfortunately) will believe them.