A Letter to Myself - v.1

Dear Jennifer,

The date today is July 10, 2017 and it's 10:37 pm. Right now you're crying cause you're a little scared, a little wounded but more hopeful than you've convinced yourself you should be. You're incredibly tough, but maybe not as tough or harden as people think you to be. I hope that even though you've endured an impossible amount of loss, sadness, heartbreak and hurt in your life you're still hopeful. And not that 1% hopeful you allow yourself to be, so if the 99% chance of disappointment happens, you're okay with it. I hope two, five and ten years from now you've allowed yourself to be 100% hopeful.

You didn't have the best examples of love or hope as a child. How could you... Your father had an affair, left behind your mother, sister and yourself and moved across the Pacific to start a life without you. Maybe this is where you learned to be nomadic. Maybe this is where you learned to pick up your life, move and not look back. I hope you've learned that it's okay to stay in one place, plant your roots and that you don't always have to grab your passport and run. Remember that you're tough and you are someone who can always put up a fight.

Fight for happiness, fight for love, fight for everything you want and deserve in this world. You get one life and it is your job to live it to the fullest extent possible. People will hurt you, people will disappoint you and there will be times where they cause you to not only lose faith in them but yourself. Know you are deserving of all the goodness the world has to offer because at 28 I know this is something you forget. I also want you to know that it's okay to still love those who've hurt you. It's part of what makes your heart so big. Bigger than you'd like most people to know. Not only take chances in life but take chances on people. It may not always pay off, but I promise you that the one time it does, it'll be worth it.

This hasn't been the easiest year for you. You closed a big chapter of your life and started another. You found happiness but then it was gone in a flash. Now you're scared. Now you doubt how strong you are. I hope you're still reminding yourself that it's okay to take chances in life. Heck, you should do one thing every day that scares you. I can only hope you're still taking chances two, five and ten years from now. I hope one day your risks pay off. I hope you find a happiness that's forever and not fleeting. I hope you find a life that fights for you, cause you're always fighting. 

I'm not gonna tell you to not be scared, or not to worry because at 28 I very well know an older me wouldn't listen either. You're always gonna be a "worst case scenario" person. There's just been so much hurt and broken trust to not be scared and to not worry. But instead, I hope you've found a happiness or a love that turns the scared in hope and the worry into peace of mind. At this moment, I'm incredibly sorry I can't give you any sort of peace of mind. I'm fucking unsure of what's to come. I know right now you're worried and scared because you're more hopeful than you've braced yourself for. But it's okay to be hopeful because magic happens when you do not give up, even when you want to.