Questioning your WORTH?

The fact that I’m an incredibly guarded person isn’t anything new. Especially after CS, I’ve been extra cautious with my heart and who I let my guard down for. From that heartbreak to the beginning of 2019, it’s been almost three years. I’ve dated guys in between that time but no one I fully let my guard down for. I liked them, but I could have done with out them.

At the beginning of the year a girlfriend invited me out to karaoke and that night definitely changed the course of my 2019. I met someone who I typically would never thought I’d develop feelings for. According to my friend I have a type, and it’s Scott Disick. This person was definitely not Scott Disick but there was just something about this him; his sass, his charisma, his forwardness that was very attractive to me. 

For months my friend asked me if I liked him and my response was always the same. It was no. I told her every time, “he’s fun but no I don’t like him at all.” But the more I saw him and spent time with him, little by little that started to change. The weekend we all went to Vegas, something switched and I knew I was fucked. I liked this person and the last time I had feelings for someone it was CS. That fucking scared me.

This is gonna sounds so fucked and probably not make any sense, but whenever I get to a point where I feel scared and insecure, I call CS. The night after we got back from Vegas I went to his house. In that moment I needed someone who I knew cared for me to give me affection both physically and emotionally. I needed somebody to make me feel better about myself, make me feel wanted and beautiful. Even though he hurt me there was no possible way he could hurt me any more than he already had. Our interactions had become a crutch that I would fall back on. In that moment of undeniable insecurity that’s what I needed.

Talking to a couple of my girlfriends now, I know that falling for this new person is what made me feel really insecure. I was binging on Adderall and coffee so I wouldn’t eat, to lose weight. If I ate more than a meal in a day I would take laxatives to “balance out” the extra food I was eating. In my distorted view, I hated the way I looked. I wasn’t pretty enough. I wasn’t skinny enough. I wasn’t enough. I think when you become entangled with someone whose job requires them to be around attractive people all the time, you start to question yourself. 

As an adult woman, this idea of questioning my worth was so fucking foreign to me. I’m very secure in who I am. I’m independent, I’m financially stable, I have an amazing job and relationships I’d take a bullet for. As an adult I’ve never questioned whether I was good enough or not, because I knew I was more than enough. 

The weekend after Vegas, my friend and I ended up at his house and that night a pandoras box was opened and there was no turning back. Talking about your feelings is never an easy fucking thing to do. You can’t control who you develop feelings for and sometimes even when your head knows you’re making the wrong decisions you listen to your heart and make them anyways.

This experience has been a roller coaster of emotions for me. There were points where I felt he was letting me in and then points where I felt completely shut out. I think during those points where I felt shut out was when I was feeling most insecure. Those feelings of insecurity would prompt me to end up with CS, which wasn’t good either. One morning, talking to CS about this new person, he simply just asked… “Why do you like him?” If I had been asked that question earlier, my answer would’ve been different. But in the moment that question was asked, my answer was I don’t fucking know. 

Ladies, as someone who has dated a lot of douche bags, never settle for someone who makes you feel insecure and question your worth. You deserve someone worth letting your guard down for. Someone who makes you feel strong, beautiful and loved. I’m slowly starting to get back to that level of confidence I had at the beginning of the year and with that I feel like I can breathe again.

xx JHL