The Ex and The Backstabbing Girlfriend


Dear Backstabbers,

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, fuck you, karma's bitch.

Love, Jen

There are two things about myself I know to be 100% true. I have a wicked intuition and I always end up regretting giving second chances. For as long as I can remember my intuition and gut feelings have been pretty spot on. The last time I got this gut feeling like something bad was gonna happen, it did. {You can read about it here in "How Do You Single?"} The thing that was just completely scary and worrisome to me is at least the last time I knew why I was having a bad feeling. This time I didn't. Last Friday, I got hit with an overwhelming amount of "fuck, something bad is gonna happen." I always try and stay positive but in this situation, it was impossible for me to do so. For as long as I can remember my gut feelings have always come to fruition. Knowing that and knowing how strong this looming black cloud feeling was, I came home from work and hid under my covers for the rest of the night.

Fast forward to last night, I discovered why the Friday before I woke up with that awful gut feeling. Before I get into that, here's the back story.

Two years ago, when I was in a rough place, I made a brash decision and broke up with Jon after I got back from my trip to Korea with Angel. About a month and a half after I did this, I realized I made a mistake. I hate admitting when I was wrong, but in this case, I knew I had too. I went to Jon's and waited for him to get home, we spent that night crying about how everything went down and decided to get back together. It hadn't even been 24 hours into our 2.0 and he then told me he was questioning if he made the right decision because him and... let's call her Heidi* (a girl who I thought was one of my closest girlfriends at the time) starting forming some sort of relationship behind my back in the month and a half span that we were broken up. If you look up shady on urban dictionary, I'm sure this example would be right in there.

Mind you, Jon wasn't some flavor of the week. Jon and I dated for a bit over 6 years on and off. He's been in my life since I was 20. I'll be 29 next month. If memory serves the first time we kissed was on my 21st birthday when I went to his dorm room at Concordia after mine and Angel's birthday dinner. Since then we've been on and off, the night before I moved to Korea we went on a date to a Lakers game. And once I moved back from Korea, we were in a relationship up until breakups one and two. 

At that time, I have never been hurt like that before. Two people who claimed to love me and have my back committed the ultimate betrayal. When Jon told me that, I felt like I had been punched in the stomach, the wind knocked out of me. I felt numb and couldn't believe anyone, let alone someone I was in a relationship with and someone who was supposed to be my friend could hurt me, especially in the manner they did. In the end, Jon and I ended up getting back together, we went to Korea, we moved in together, we became pet parents to the cutest and sweetest pup on the entire planet and as much as we tried to make it work, it didn't. But still, we managed to find the friendship we had before we were in a relationship and bring it back to present day. 

With Heidi*, it's taken me a lot of time to start a friendship with her again. To start building up a trust again. I totally get that some people may read this and say that I made an exception or an allowance for Jon and you know what maybe I did. Jon and I had so much history, that there was no way I couldn't give it one last shot. He was the person I always thought I'd end up with. We both thought we were each others forever. But with Heidi*, I just couldn't understand how a friend could do that to another friend. I tried putting myself in her shoes because at the time that happened she was going through a rough phase too. But putting myself in her situation, there's no way I would have ever done that. "Irregardless! Ex-boyfriends are just off limits to friends. I mean, that's just, like, the rules of feminism!" haha, I had to throw a Mean Girls quote in there. 

Now that you have the back story, let's get back to today. Or last night. Heidi* asked me to meet her for drinks, I had a feeling something was up, but I would have never guessed she's the reason why my intuition was in overdrive. Turns out for the past month and a half/two months she and Jon have been hanging out and exploring a relationship. The first time they did it behind my back was a betrayal and fucking shady, take two???? What's the word for shady times 500? When she told me that, I became stoic. I was numb. I couldn't fucking believe it. We sat there at bar at in the Valley going back and forth. Her sharing her side and me sharing mine. I rarely give second chances. In 2017, I gave two. One to her and one to CS and both times I was fucked over. All I know is that's not the kind of person I'd ever want in my life. Someone who could burn you not only once, but twice and for the same exact reason our friendship ended in the first place. Let it be known... starting now, no more. I'm done. I'm going back to my King Henry the 8th mentality of once you fuck up, off with your head. 

In this situation there's one quote that keeps running though my head. "When they go low, we go high." In this situation there's nothing I can do but leave them alone, not think about them and put my energy back into myself. And if that means me silo-ing myself from group settings or events that they'll be at then that's whats gonna have to happen. Even though I'm the party that hasn't done anything wrong in this situation, for my mental sanity, I know I have to remove myself from this toxic situation.

I think the thing that hurts and kills me, is that even though I'm a 100% over Jon and want him to be happy, picturing the two of them together takes me back to 2015 when they committed what I saw as the ultimate betrayal and the fact that I gave her a second chance, man do I feel like a fucking idiot. As much as others were telling me that I couldn't trust her, I started reforming a friendship with her. Being completely transparent, there's no way our friendship today is even a 1/4th of what it used to be. But silly me, I thought we were rebuilding it. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice... This is why I have trust issues.


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