The Last Goodbye

Dear CS,

After all is said and done, thank you.


I’m sure many of you are wondering why I’m saying thank you to someone who broke things off in a text message. It's been over two weeks now and after the time that passed, I became more and more okay with what happened. Yes, it sucked and no I wouldn't wish that on my worst enemy. But I’m back. I’m me again. The me I was pre-CS. Happy with my professional life. Happy with my personal life. More importantly, happy with myself. I’m not gonna remember or judge someone based off one interaction of many. This was the one bad one, but I shared a handful of short-lived great moments with him. I laughed and smiled more than I thought I was capable of. As I write this, all those moments are flooding my brain. The biggest smile is on my face and I'm grateful that they happened. From the electricity I experienced the first time we kissed, me falling asleep in his arms watching the sunset down at the beach and our trip to Palm Springs and Joshua Tree. I’m really happy these happened. But I’m not sitting here jaded, these wonderful moments happened with the person I thought he was. A person he was pretending to be.

I still have a handful of questions for him. If you read Post "Post-It" PTSD you would know the questions were in no shortage. During the days that followed I’ve asked myself these questions over and over again. “Why would you go away with me?”, “Why would you make plans with me?”, “Why would you say things that led me to believe you could see our relationship progressing over a long period of time?” … I’m certain I’ll never get them answered but that’s okay. I’m okay. No, scratch that I’m more than okay. Life is full of unanswered questions and no matter how much I feel I deserve an answer to them, that’s not always how the world works.

I keep thinking back to my last in person interaction with him, for clues or signs that I could have missed that would have made me see this coming. I had spent the night with him on a Tuesday. He had an early work day on Wednesday, so before he left he woke me up, told me he was leaving for work, kissed me goodbye and left. I never imagined when he said goodbye that would be the last goodbye. The last kiss. The last time I saw him. The last time he would put an untainted, genuine smile on my face. A half asleep, hazy moment that I remember so perfectly. A moment in which I would have never expected this to happen.

I’m not gonna lie and sit here and say that after this happened I didn’t have a sliver of hope or wishful thinking that he’d show up with peonies and say "I’m sorry, I fucked up." I guess that was me being idealistic considering I haven't heard from him since. It never happened but again that’s okay. He’s not the person he was pretending to be. I’ve never had to compromise myself and ask someone to be with me or make time for me and I wasn’t about to start now. Even if this ideal situation had happened, I don’t know if my pride would allow me to jump back into his arms. If anything I think I would have been more hurt and more confused. Would I really want to be with someone who was that incredibility inconsiderate and disrespectful? Hell no. Unless puppies were involved, peonies and puppies, that might make me reconsider. LOL. I kid, I kid. But, I mean isn't that every little girl's fairy tale dream though... the grand gesture?! But life isn't a fairy tale and I'm not waiting around for anyone to rescue me. I rescue myself.

I'd be a complete liar if I said I didn't miss him. I do. But that's normal. That's how I know everything I felt was genuine and real. But let me make myself clear when I say this... I miss the person he was pretending to be. Not the person he actually is. If I had seen his true colors from the beginning, I would have never given him the time of day. Like any woman in my position, I find myself wondering what would have happened if he had never sent that message. What if he had just talked to me about all the things that were pushing and pulling him or would have just been honest. Right now he's my “what if” and that sucks. But this ties back to what I said about the unanswered questions. Sitting around wondering what could have been isn't healthy and isn't doing me any good. So instead, I try and be hopeful. Not hopeful for him, but hopeful for greatness in general. 

Maybe my time with CS was the experience to get me ready for the next great one. I don’t know. I couldn’t tell you. I’m still navigating this new world of being single. Honestly though, how do you single? I’m thankful for this experience because it gave me a bit of a road map and a glimmer of hope that the right person for me is out there. This is why after all is said and done, I’m thankful.

Maybe, just maybe our last goodbye was a blessing in disguise. The last memory I have with him (no matter how pretend) was such a sweet moment that still brings a smile to my face. As much as I would have liked him to break things off in person, looking back… in retrospect I don’t know if I could have handled it. Every in person interaction I had with him, every moment we shared, I was on Cloud 9. Even a day when I was annoyed with him for skipping out on a Disneyland date because he was hungover, the moment I saw him the annoyance disappeared. I was all smiles. I couldn't name one bad moment even if I tried. Now that I’ve had time to come to terms with what happened, I would’ve hated for all that to get tainted by him breaking things off in person... no matter how much I needed it and felt I deserved it at the time. (Although I would have appreciated a response to my questions) So as much as I loathed the “don’t hate me” text message, now I’m okay with it. The last goodbye, the last kiss… it was sweet. The perfect ending to a whirlwind experience. So… CS, thank you. Thank you for showing me what I want in a partner and thank you for showing me your true colors and that I didn’t end up with you.

romper: tobi "eda black romper"
coat: aliexpress, similar here
shoes: steve madden "edit" bootie in black
hat: whim things "custom felt fedora hat" in black
photo: photobyvincent